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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24813610">.Forgiveness.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Wild_Sophia/pseuds/The_Wild_Sophia'>The_Wild_Sophia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Klaus 2019 - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, and then there's klaus just doing his best, basically jesper's depressed and boarderline suicidal, graphic depictions of self-harm, theres so much angst, this got out of hand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:20:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,558</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24813610</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Wild_Sophia/pseuds/The_Wild_Sophia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jesper has always found himself to be thin-skinned, but after a particularly difficult night for him, he's decided he's had enough.<br/>Alternatively: In which Jesper hurts himself.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jesper Johanssen &amp; Klaus, Jesper Johanssen/Klaus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>120</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>.Forgiveness.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Okay I'm actually freaking out. This fic is soooo much longer than I intended it to be. There was just so much I wanted to include! Some parts of this were actually just a vent for me and I ended up crying a few times while writing this.<br/>A few things to keep in mind! I feel like Jesper has RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) where basically he just can't take any kind of criticism (I would recommend reading about it a bit to get a better understanding). He's also depressed like me so yeah there's that.<br/>I also have a small scene where I talk about the bow of a violin. If you haven't played a stringed instrument with a bow, PLEASE look up pics of how people hold the bow; the scene will make more sense that way.<br/>ALSO, check the end notes for translations!<br/>And, of course, apologies for spelling/grammatical errors.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jesper knew that he was pushing at a sore subject with Klaus, but he really wanted to share his thoughts about the whole Christmas thing with him. It would be perfect; Klaus would work on new toys with Jesper helping in any way possible and when the time came they would go out and deliver them. <em> Together. </em> </p><p>He wishes he had just dropped the subject when he first noticed Klaus’ discomfort. </p><p>If Jesper was completely honest with himself, he knew that his emotions were particularly…fragile. He would become silent when people yelled at him or even just raised their voices a little bit. Sometimes he would feel physically sick when someone struck at a particularly sore topic. He would pretend that what others said to or about him didn’t matter to him, but in reality, it did. And it hurt.</p><p>Hurts.</p><p>He remembers it starting a little after his mother passed away. She was one of the only supportive and loving figures in his life -- besides his father of course. She was always there to listen to him ramble about anything that came to his mind. She would even braid his hair if he was nice. </p><p>She passed away when he was 7.</p><p>After she left, he never quite felt the same without her. He always felt like he was missing something. Which…technically he was. </p><p>After Klaus’ outburst directed at Jesper, one that was most definitely deserved, Jesper stood there, staring at Klaus, his gaze being returned by Klaus. After a moment more, Jesper couldn’t help the distressed smile that tugged at his cheeks or pull back the pitiful laugh that escaped his lips. Jesper covered his mouth and looked down at the ground in an attempt to apologize without saying anything. Jesper doubled over on himself, arm wrapped tight around his torso as quiet giggles still gently shook his shoulders. He felt like he was going to cry. </p><p>Jesper quickly uncovered his mouth to try and apologize, but all that left his lips was a broken up sob. He quickly covered his mouth again, giving himself a second to collect himself, before swiftly standing up straight to look Klaus in the eye. It was only then did he notice the concern hidden beneath anger on his friend’s face. </p><p>“You’re right! I-I overstepped your boundaries. My <em> dearest </em>apologies, Klaus, I’ll be on my way.” Jesper quickly said while trying to keep his composure. </p><p>God, he felt like he was going to throw up. </p><p>“Jesp-” </p><p>“BYE, Klaus.” Jesper cut him off, “I’ll, um, see myself out.” Jesper turned on his heel -- almost falling over in the process -- and made a beeline for the door. He didn’t dare glance back at Klaus. After fumbling with the door handle for a few moments Jesper quickly slipped through the doorway and towards his cart. Jesper took his seat in the cart and grabbed the reins with trembling hands and made his way home. </p><p>During the whole ride back he was tense. Quiet. </p><p>He had wanted to break down right after he had made it out of the workshop, but he knew better. If he had, there would be nothing stopping Klaus from walking right out and seeing him since he would most definitely hear him sobbing though the wall. </p><p>It was hard, not breaking down in the cart, but he would wait til he got back to the post office. He knew that what he was upset about was stupid, he <em> knew </em> , but it was hard for him to <em> feel </em> what he knew. He knew what he was feeling was wrong and that made him all the more angry and sad and…he didn’t even know what else he was feeling but it <em> hurt</em>. </p><p>What made it worse was the fact that he hurt the <em> man </em> he <em> loved</em>. That’s right. <em> Loved</em>. Jesper Johansen, son of the postal master Theodore Johansen, was in love with Nikolas Klaus, a simple woods<em>man</em>. If anyone found out he’d be burned alive. Literally. </p><p>When he finally, <em> finally</em>, made it back to the post office it took the rest of his strength to unlatch the horse and open the door that once he had closed it behind him he fell to his knees. Jesper found himself curled into himself, covering his mouth in a vain attempt of quitting his sobs. He took his hands away from his mouth to remove his coat and hat before wrapping his arms around his waist. He sat there -- crouched in front of the door, sobbing -- for a good few moments before he found the strength to get to his legs and walk over to his desk. Stumble over would be more accurate. </p><p>Once he got over there he just stood there for a minute, using the desk as a support. He felt himself begin to heave. Was he actually gonna vomit? Jesper made his way over to the window, painfully slow, and sure enough, he did vomit. When he was confident that he thoroughly emptied his stomach, he shakely walked back over to his desk. He carefully grabbed  a pitcher of water, one that he always kept under his desk, and began drinking it modestly. After he was satisfied, he tucked the pitcher back into its place before heaving himself into the chair at his desk. </p><p>Once there, he sat for a few seconds before the emotions hit him again. It started as a choked cry, before coming out as a full-on sob. He brought his knees up to his chest, burying his face into them. He wrapped his arms around his legs and sobbed into them. He couldn’t help it. Once it began, there was no stopping it without giving in. </p><p>With his mind made up, he uncurled himself and rummaged around the draws in his desk. Jesper knew he found what he was looking for when he felt a prick at his finger tip. Jesper sighed as he pulled a pocket knife out of the drawer and watched how it reflected the light of the lanter so beautifully. He didn’t think twice before pressing the blade against his wrist. It felt nice, just resting it there. It was a nice contrast to his feverish skin. He readjusted the knife before he began slicing at the thin skin of his wrist. </p><p>It reminded him of how he would play the violin with his parents. He even held the knife the same way he did the bow. With his pinky on the screw, the tip, index finger on the thumb leather, the top of the blade, and his thumb in between the frog and hair, wrapped around the handle. </p><p>Jesper couldn’t help the choked sobs that left his lips as he continued to cut at his wrist. Eventually, his left arm became nothing more than a mangled mess of skin and blood, so he took to starting on his right one. He left hand was shaking much more than his right one had been, so instead of the straight, decisive cuts his left arm had, his right one was decorated with shaky, wobbly cuts. </p><p>Soon enough, both his arms were completely embellished with cuts, blood running out of every cut and dripping down onto the floor beneath him. He felt how lightheaded he was becoming, but he paid no mind to it. He deserved this. He continued cutting into his skin, his tears mixing with the blood on his wrists. </p><p>It wasn’t until his trembling hand dropped the knife did he realize how much blood he had lost. He hadn't intended to go this far. He panicked at first before relaxing again at a thought. Who’d care? Certainly not him. He wrapped his arms around his waist, staining his white button-up. It wouldn’t matter. With how much blood he had lost, he’d be surprised if he woke up in the morning. </p><p>Jesper brought his legs back up against his chest and enclosed them with his arms, a slight sting present but welcomed. Resting his head onto his upper arm, he allowed himself to fall asleep, hopefully for the last time. But it was a bit hard for him to fall asleep with someone talking to him.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Klaus had left only a few moments after Jesper had. </p><p>He knows how sensitive Jesper is, how gentle of a person he is even if he does come off as being brash or arrogant. He shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. It just hurt so much to look at the family tree after having had it covered for so long. He really felt bad after yelling at him.</p><p>There were all sorts of emotions going through Klaus’ head during his trip down to the town. He loved Lydia. He loved her with all his heart. But somehow, <em> somehow </em> , this postman, <em> Jesper </em>, had managed to make him feel things that he thought were long dead inside of him. He managed to pull out the little bit of humanity Klaus still had in him and made something of it. He wanted so badly to deny his growing feelings for the postman, but it was almost impossible to ignore it. He loved Lydia, but he was also becoming increasingly fond of Jesper, in a more than “friendly” way. </p><p>It took a little longer than Klaus would have liked, but he did eventually reach the post office. And a good while after Jesper had Klaus noted as he glanced at the horse that was already in her stable sleeping. Klaus made his way to the entrance of the office, knocking on the door gently. The whole place looked unstable, like it could collapse at any moment. Klaus wondered why Jesper would return to the post office and not his own home for the night, but he had said that he would be here. Klaus knocked at the door again, a bit more assertive this time. </p><p>“Jesper?” Klaus called out, “Are you here?” He waited a moment before trying at the door handle, finding that it was unlocked. Klaus opened the door, peeking his head inside to find the postman resting at his desk. Klaus sighed before walking through completely and closing the door behind him. </p><p>“Jesper.” Klaus said in a hushed tone, almost as if he didn’t want it to be heard. “I…I want to apologize for what I did. I know how sensitive of a person you are, not that there’s anything wrong with that. I shouldn’t have yelled at you the way I did.” Klaus quickly glanced up to see that Jesper was still in the same position as he had been since he walked in. “I just need you to understand that…it was hard for me to see that carving again.” Klaus paused before continuing. “I had made that carving for my past wife and I. It was a family tree. We had planned to have many kids but…she passed away before we could.” Klaus felt his eyes begin to water, but he quickly whipped them away. “I’ve been alone since then. I would only go into town when I needed certain things but beside that, I never saw anyone. That is…until you came along.” </p><p>Klaus glanced up again to see that Jesper hadn’t moved. </p><p>“You’re asleep, aren’t you?” Klaus asked Jesper, but mostly to himself. Klaus pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut. “Of course you are.” Klaus looked at him before deciding to at least cover him up before leaving. He looked around for Jesper’s coat before spotting it on the floor. Weird. Normally he’d hang it up. The same goes for his hat. Klaus grabbed them both, hanging his hat up and then walking over to Jesper’s sleeping frame. </p><p>“Oh God-” Klaus dropped the coat once he got a good look at Jesper. There was blood all on the floor beneath them, along with a bloodied pocket knife. Looking back up at Jesper, Klaus found that he was almost <em> covered </em>in blood too. There was blood all on his pants and shirt, but with his sleeves rolled up Klaus could clearly see the litany of bloody cuts that decorated Jesper’s arms. </p><p>For a moment, Klaus just stood there staring at Jesper unsure of what to do. He was scared of hurting him by accident. </p><p>Klaus decided the best thing to do would be to cover the cuts and bring him back to the cabin for the night since he had no idea where Jesper’s house was. Klaus slowly uncurled Jesper and while doing so felt how cold his hands were. It made him sick. But he carried on, first checking if he still had a pulse. Klaus pressed two fingers against Jesper's neck, under his chin and next to his throat, and found that he did have a pulse, but a fairly weak one. </p><p>Klaus quickly got to work, tearing off pieces of fabric of his own tunic and covering his wounds. He ended up ripping off almost a quarter of his tunic since the cuts stemmed from the base of his palm all the way up to his upper arms. Klaus bandaged the cuts the best he could right now before covering Jesper with his coat. Klaus gently picked Jesper up, one arm under his knees and the other supporting his back, and carried him to his cart. He placed him down before going over to the stable to retrieve the horse. </p><p>“I know you’re tired, but I need your assistance.” The horse looked up at Klaus before slowly standing up, stretching and walking out the opened stable door. She walked over to the cart and waited to be connected. After Klaus connected her and took the reins they made their way up to the cabin. </p><p>Klaus looked over at Jesper and noticed how he was shivering. Concerned for him, Klaus put the reins in one hand while the other brought Jesper into his lap, covering him with his coat. </p><p>“You’re ok. You’ll be okay, Jesper.” Klaus whispered, mainly to himself while streaking his cheek. </p><p>The ride to the cabin was silent and longer than Klaus would have liked. Once They arrived there, Klaus wasted no time in unlatching the horse from the cart and carrying Jesper into the cabin. Klaus placed Jesper down on the chair in front of the fireplace before quickly starting a fire. After he got one going, he turned his attention back to Jesper and gently started removing the makeshift bandages. It was a bit difficult to do so since some of the blood had dried to the cloth, so removing the cloth meant removing some of the scabs that had begun to form. He felt bad reopening the wounds, but he really didn’t have a choice.</p><p>Once all the cloth was off his arms, Klaus tried his best to examine the damage, but with all the dried blood in the way, it was difficult to separate what were cuts and what was just blood. So, Klaus turned and went to get a pitcher of water along with a few hand towels and clean bandages. Returning back to Jesper, Klaus dipped one of the towels into the pitcher of water and began cleaning off the cuts as carefully as he could. He ignored the little twitches and whimpers of pain that Jesper made in his sleep in favor of cleaning his wounds. </p><p>After his wounds were cleaned thoroughly, Klaus finally got a good look at the damage Jesper had done to himself. </p><p>Klaus felt like he was going to be sick. </p><p>The cuts started from the highest part of his wrists, the part closest to the palm, and all the way up his arms, almost to his pits. Amongst those cuts, Klaus could see the thin, pink scars that were hiding beneath the fresh ones. He also saw ones that had been scabbed over for a while and were healing. So this wasn’t the first time. </p><p>He was curious to know if Jesper was hurting himself in other places, but decided he would wait and ask instead of looking for more. </p><p>Some of the wounds were still bleeding after being reopened, so he took care of those ones first. First stopping the bleeding and then bandaging them. Once the more urgent cuts were tended to, Klaus began taking care of the others that still remained uncovered. </p><p>It was hard for him to do this. Klaus hated seeing people in pain, especially Jesper. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, Jesper was a sweet man and didn’t deserve this. Klaus doesn’t know what in the hell came over the postman to do this to himself, but what he did know is that he needed to help him in any way he could. </p><p>It took him a while, but eventually Klaus had completely cleaned and covered every cut Jesper had on his arms. Klaus looked up at Jesper’s sleeping frame and felt a knot coil in his stomach at how pale his face was. Klaus brushed a hand against Jesper’s cheek and sighed at the warmth that greeted him. Good. He was warmer than before. </p><p>Klaus softly placed Jesper’s coat over said man’s shoulders before pulling up another chair and placing it next to Jesper’s. He’d stay close to him for the night so he could be there for him when he hopefully woke up in the morning. </p><p>Please wake up.</p><p>He can’t lose someone else.</p><p>~~~</p><p>It was the break of dawn when Klaus woke up. He slowly blinked the sleepiness out of his eyes before he quickly looked over at Jesper. He was still asleep, but he had moved from the curled position he was in before Klaus had fallen asleep last night. He had uncurled himself, his feet resting on the floor and his arms hanging over the sides of the chair. Klaus couldn’t help the chuckle that left his lips, but he quickly became silent again when he saw the bandages tied tightly around his arms and the blood stained clothing he was still wearing. He’d have to give him some clean clothing when he woke up.</p><p>Klaus stood up and walked over to where Jesper was sleeping and gently placed his hand on his cheek. Klaus smiled as he felt Jesper press his cheek against his hand. </p><p>Instead of sitting around and waiting for Jesper to wake up, Klaus decided to start cooking breakfast for the two so that Jesper would have something to eat.</p><p>~~~</p><p>Jesper woke up. Something he didn’t expect to do. He slowly looked around the room to quickly realize that he wasn’t in the post office. In fact, he was in the last place he’d ever expect to be. Klaus’ cabin. </p><p>For a moment he thought he was dead, but the searing pain in his arms and ache in his chest said otherwise. The silhouette of Klaus in the kitchen tore Jesper out of his thoughts. He stared at his back for a few moments before turning back to look at the fire that was going. Before Jesper even realized it, he started speaking.</p><p>“Du skulle have forladt mig.” He said, not even looking up at Klaus. </p><p>“Oh, you’re-what?” Klaus asked, quickly turning around to look at the postman confused. Nonetheless, Klaus was more than ecstatic to see that the postman was awake.</p><p>“Jeg sagde: "Du skulle have forladt mig".” Jesper repeated. Klaus walked out of the kitchen, quickly making his way over to where Jesper was still staring at the fire. </p><p>“Is Norwegian? No, Danish.” Klaus said while kneeling next to Jesper. </p><p>“Selvfølgelig. Kunne du ikke fortælle det ved mit navn? Johansen?” Jesper asked, quickly glancing over at Klaus. He looked tired. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Klaus started, “I don’t know what you’re saying.” Jesper looked away again.</p><p>“My first language is Danish.” He answered, “Dutch, your language, is my second. And then of course Norwegian.” Jesper adjusted himself in the chair only to flinch at the movement. </p><p>“Fanden!” He yelled, clutching his right arm. That got Klaus moving again.</p><p>“Jesper-”</p><p>“Undskyld!” Jesper shouted before pinching the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut. “I-I’m sorry. I pushed you. A lot farther than you were willing to go. I-I made you remember her and I’m so-sorry.” Jesper brought his hands to his mouth to quiet his sobs, something he now noticed he always did when he cried. </p><p>“You heard me talking? I thought you were passed out.” Klaus asked while placing his hand on Jesper’s shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. However Jesper flinched away from the touch. </p><p>“No, I mean-yes I…I heard you.” Jesper mumbled through his fingers, “I’m-I’m sorry.” Jesper apologized, curling in on himself again. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-” He continued apologizing while covering his face and gripping at the wrappings around his arms, something Klaus quickly noticed. </p><p>“Jesper-Jesper stop! You’ll reopen your wounds.” Klaus said, trying to grab his hands.</p><p>“Who cares?!” Jesper suddenly shouted, tearing his hands away from his face and grounding his feet on the floor. “Because I certainly don’t!” The moment their eyes met, Klaus immediately noticed the pain in Jesper’s eyes, but there was something else. Greif? No.</p><p>Guilt.</p><p>“I deserve this.” Jesper’s voice pulled Klaus out of his thoughts. Jesper’s face contorted in agony before being covered again by his knees. “I deserve all of this for making you remember her. It would be the same as if someone made me remember my mother.” </p><p>For a moment, they stood/sat there, Jesper crying into his knees and Klaus just kneeling in front of him. Klaus offered his comfort in the form of a hand on Jesper’s shoulder and was surprised to find he wasn’t shrugged off again. </p><p>Once the worst part of it had passed, Jesper rested his feet on the floor again and rubbed the tears out of his eyes the best he could. He didn’t dare meet Klaus’ gaze.</p><p>“God-I’m sorry. Here I am talking about <em> my </em> problems when you’re the one who’s probably in pain. <em> Is </em>in pain.” Jesper rubbed his face with the palm of his hands before looking at Klaus’ face. Not making eye contact, just looking at his face. </p><p>“It would probably be worse for you. She was your…wife, right? Did I hear that right?” Jesper asked before Klaus nodded. “God. Losing someone like that…I-I couldn’t imagine how hard that must have been…I’m sorry.” Jesper looked at the floor again. </p><p>Klaus stood up and rubbed his hand in between Jesper’s shoulder blades with Jesper closing his eyes and groaning at the contact. With his free hand, Klaus grabbed one of Jesper’s hands, gently holding it. </p><p>“Jesper, you hurt yourself. <em> You’re hurting. </em>” Klaus said, looking down at Jesper’s face, who’s red, puffy eyes greeted him. “Let me help you.”</p><p>“I’m fine.” Jesper answered, “You’re the one I need to help.” Jesper said with a nervous smile, trying to pull his hand out of Klaus’. </p><p>Klaus sighed before taking both of Jesper’s hands into his own, kneeling in front of him again.</p><p>“I have indeed felt a great loss. And it still hurts to think about her, to be reminded of her.” Klaus pauses, “For the longest time I was alone after her…passing. I didn’t want to let anyone else in for fear of losing them too. I thought that I would be alone for the rest of my life. But then, you came along.” Klaus said, rubbing the small hands in his own. “You showed me that I didn’t have to be alone anymore, that I still had a purpose in this world, even if it’s a small one. In a sense, you saved me. Saved me from having to live a life of isolation and I’m thankful for that.” </p><p>Klaus paused again, seeing if he still had the postman’s attention. “It’s strange. We haven’t known each other for too long, yet I feel like I’ve known you for years. You mean a lot more to me than you may ever know.” Klaus looked Jesper in the eyes. “Jesper, I’ve already lost someone who meant a lot to me, so <em> please </em>, don’t let me lose another. Let me help you.” Klaus said with tears beginning to prick at the corners of his eyes. </p><p>Jesper pulled one of his hands away from Klaus’ to gently stroke his cheek. </p><p>“Don’t cry.” Jesper whispered, “You look better when you smile.” Jesper said, a melancholy smile on his face. Klaus couldn’t help but smile at that, placing one of his hands over the one on his cheek. </p><p>“Ha, you really are too sweet for this world.” Klaus hadn't even processed what he said until he looked up at Jesper’s flustered face. Jesper’s nervous smile returned with him answering,</p><p>“Aww, I’m really not all that great.” Klaus cupped Jesper’s cheeks, a warm smile on his face. </p><p>“Oh, but you are.” Klaus responded, and God, Klaus hated how much he wanted to kiss him right now. </p><p>“You’re the sweet one, Klaus.” Jesper said, placing his hands over Klaus’ hands that were still on his cheeks. </p><p>“Oh. You must be hungry. I made breakfast for us but it’s probably cold by now.” Klaus said while walking over to the kitchen. </p><p>“Oh, let me help you.” Jesper said while standing up from the chair. That was a total mistake as he quickly fell to the floor. His arms positively <em> burned </em>and his head felt like it was going to explode. </p><p>“Are you alright?” Klaus asked, quickly returning back to Jesper’s side. He placed his hand on Jesper’s back as said man got into a sitting position in front of the fireplace. </p><p>“I’m fine, just, got up too fast is all.” Jesper admitted, “Go on, I’m fine, really.” He flashed Klaus a small smile before Klaus turned back to the kitchen. When he came back, Klaus handed Jesper a plate of hastily covered fried eggs and bacon along with a cup of water. Jesper thanked him before Klaus took a seat next to him on the floor and the two ate in relative silence. </p><p>Once done, Klaus took their plates and put them in the kitchen. On his way back, he got a good look at Jesper. He was still wearing his blood stained clothing and there were areas on his bandages where he had bleed through. </p><p>“Klaus? You okay?” Jesper asked, waving his hand in front of Klaus.</p><p>“You need to be changed.” Klaus said. Jesper looked down at himself before nervously chuckling. </p><p>“Heh. I guess you’re right.” He said, pulling his blood stain shirt away from his chest. “Damn, I liked this white button-up. It was the only one that fit me properly.” </p><p>“I’ll go get you some new clothing. And…new wraps.” Klaus said before walking off, assumingly to his room. </p><p>While he was gone, Jesper looked down at himself and couldn’t help but feel a tinge of guilt. Klaus has already done so much for him, and all he’s done is cry and apologize. Jesper lied on his side, still in front of the fireplace, and just stared at the fire that was surprisingly still going. He idly scratched at his cuts too. </p><p>“Hey! Stop that.” A voice called out, startling Jesper out of his thoughts. Jesper quickly sat up, staring at Klaus as he entered the room holding a few bunched clothing along with new wrappings and a pitcher of clean water. </p><p>“What? I wasn’t doing anything.” Jesper said, folding his arms against his chest. </p><p>“Don’t scratch them. You’ll reopen them.” Klaus said, setting the wrappings down.</p><p>“That’s kinda the point.” Jesper said under his breath, sifting through the clothing Klaus gave to him. </p><p>“What was that?” Klaus asked.</p><p>“I asked, “where can I change”?” He asked once he picked out clothing that would fit him best. </p><p>“There’s a guest room, just over there.” Klaus said pointing to a side door that was adjacent to the kitchen. “You can change there.” </p><p>Jesper stood up, with the help of Klaus, and made his way over to the guest room to change. </p><p>The clothing Klaus gave him was probably the smallest he had, but it still hung over Jesper’s thin frame. He didn’t particularly like being this dressed down, but then again what was he supposed to do? Walk around in blood stained clothing? </p><p>Once he deemed himself “worthy” to be seen by anyone else, he left the guest room and walked over to where Klaus was waiting for him. He set his dirty clothes next to where he was sitting on the floor and turned towards Klaus. </p><p>“Okay!” Jesper exclaimed, “I’m-I’m not ready, give me a second.” Jesper admitted after the realization he would have to willingly show him his arms sunk in. In all honesty, he hated seeing them himself sometimes and hated it even more when someone got a glimpse of them. Now he would have to show Klaus, someone who meant a lot to him, his <em> whole </em>arm. Both of them. </p><p>What would he think of him? That he’s weak, awful, too sensitive, <em> fragile </em> ? He was. What would he think of <em> them </em>? That they’re ugly, disgusting? Well they were, Jesper knew this, but he just wasn’t ready for Klaus to see them. Although, it isn’t like he hasn’t seen them before. He was the one who patched them up before.</p><p>“Jesper?” Klaus asked, startling Jesper from his thoughts. “You’re crying, are you alright?” Jesper hadn’t even realized he was crying until Klaus had said something. </p><p>“Sorry!” Jesper said, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand. “It’s just…I don’t particularly like people looking at my…you know.” He finished, looking down at the wooden floor. Klaus placed his hand over Jesper’s, making the smaller male look up at him. </p><p>“It’s okay. I understand that. But I do need to rewrap them. You’ve already bled through them.” Klaus said, gently nudging a particularly dark spot. Jesper sighed, </p><p>“Yeah. Okay. Just, be careful with them.” He said, scooting closer to Klaus so that they were mere inches away. Jesper hesantly held his left arms out first, lifting the sleeve up. Klaus gently took his arm in his hand and began unwrapping the old bandages. Jesper winced as some of the bandages stuck to dried blood and tore skin up with it. </p><p>“Sorry. I know it hurts.” Klaus said while he continued to unwrap his arm. </p><p>“Jeez. I really went overkill this time.” Jesper said with a chuckle at the end after all the bandages had been removed. Jesper often used humor to cope, something that many people found very unnerving. “Made a real mess of myself, huh?” He asked, looking up at Klaus with an anxious smile. He didn’t expect to see Klaus with a frown on his face, staring at them so gently.</p><p>The way he was touching him, looking at him, wasn’t right. Not because it hurt or anything, but because it didn’t. He wasn’t used to this. </p><p>For the most part, Jesper’s value was so high simply because of his statues and his father’s wealth. But in this moment, he felt valuable, but in a different way. He felt…precious. He almost wanted to cry.</p><p>“S-Stop staring at them and just cover them already.” Jesper said, almost pulling his arm out of Klaus’ grasp. Almost. </p><p>“Alright, alright. Sorry.” Klaus said before dipping a cloth into the open pitcher of water and carefully cleaning Jesper’s cuts. </p><p>“Ow, ow, OW. Careful!” Jesper exclaimed, shooting Klaus a glare.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Klaus started, “I need to apply a bit of pressure in order to stop the bleeding and to make sure I’m thoroughly cleaning them.” Klaus explained. He continued to clean the other man’s cuts, ignoring Jesper’s little whimpers and whines of “Not so hard!”.</p><p>It took a while, but eventually Klaus finished cleaning the wounds on Jesper’s left arms and had begun rewrapping his arm back up, this time adding proper padding before applying the wrappings. </p><p>Now, it was time for the right arm. They had actually taken a short break between the arms for both of their sakes. It gave both of them a moment to prepare; Klaus to prepare the materials and Jesper to prepare himself for the pain that was sure to come.</p><p>Jesper turned back to Klaus and offered his right arm up, it soon being taken by Klaus. Klaus once again began removing the bandages, reopening some cuts in the process. </p><p>It was difficult for Klaus to look at his cuts. Seeing Jesper hurt was something Klaus always hated, but knowing that these were self-inflicted? I made him feel sick in a way. It was also hard ignoring Jesper’s little cries of pain while he cleaned the cuts off. </p><p>Once cleaned and bandaged, Jesper folded his hands in his lap and sat in front of Klaus, his eyes staring at the floor. Klaus had already disposed of the pink-tinted water outside and had begun gathering up the clothing.</p><p>“Here. Hand me your clothes. I’ll take care of them.” Klaus said. Jesper handed him his folded up clothes. Klaus looked down at them a moment. “I liked this shirt too. It has the nicest collar compared to your other ones.” Klaus said after a moment.</p><p>“You noticed?” Jesper asked, surprised. Klaus had already left to put the clothes away. When he came back he sat next to Jesper, staring at the fire. Jesper opened and closed his mouth a few times before putting his hand on Klaus’ shoulder. Klaus looked over. </p><p>“I-Thank you, Klaus. For everything.” Jesper said, pulling his hand back to his lap. </p><p>“Of course, Jesper. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me.” Klaus said with a smile. He looked at Jesper for a little while longer. </p><p>“Do you,” Klaus started, “Want to talk about it?” Jesper frowned, looking down at the ground again. He stayed silent for a moment, but Klaus waited.</p><p>“It’s just…really hard sometimes. It’s always there, this urge to just…cut my skin. Anywhere, anywhere there’s skin.” He paused, rubbing his face, “It’s <em> so hard </em> to ignore it sometimes. Some days, it’s <em> tolerable</em>; I can get through the day without having to tear at myself. But other days? Other days it’s <em> impossible</em>. And I know immediately when those days are; I just wake up and I <em> know </em>that there’s no way I’m going to be able to get around it.” Jesper stopped, just taking a moment to breath. </p><p>“The worst part is that I can’t remember a time when I <em> didn’t </em> feel this way. When I didn’t constantly feel like cutting into my body.” Jesper was crying now, unable to contain it anymore. Klaus gently pulled him to his side, rubbing gentle, soothing circles into his back. Jesper let him, grabbing onto any part of Klaus he could. “Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I didn’t care about anything, because now I care about <em> everything </em>and I hate it! Everytime something goes wrong, no matter how minor or small it may be, I just lose it and I feel like it’s my fault even if I know it’s not.” </p><p>Jesper continued to cry into Klaus’ chest while Klaus kept rubbing his back, his chin resting uptop Jesper’s head. God, why was Klaus so good at this comforting thing?</p><p>“I just feel like everyone hates me even thought I know they don't.” Jesper whispered. There was a silence for a few moments until Klaus spoke up.</p><p>“I don’t hate you.” He said, bringing a hand up to cup Jesper cheek. Jesper looked up into Klaus’ blue eyes, seeing nothing but care in them. “Quite the opposite in fact.” He continued, “I care a lot about you, Jesper.” </p><p>Jesper sighed letting Klaus wipe the tears off his cheeks. </p><p>“God, it’s no wonder why I love you.” Jesper whispered.</p><p>Jesper’s eyes shot open as he realized what he just confessed and stared at Klaus’ equally shocked face. </p><p>“I-I I mean-” Jesper stuttered, pulling himself away from Klaus’ touch and looking anywhere else but him, “I mean-as a good…friend! Yes! A good frie…”  Jesper said only to stop after looking up at how close Klaus was to him. Their faces were less than a foot apart now. Jesper swallowed before tilting his head to the side, slowly moving forward. Klaus did the same, slowly closing the gap between the two until their lips met. </p><p>It was a slow, sweet and gentle kiss. Klaus found his hands gripping at Jesper’s waist, squeezing it every so slightly. Jesper found his hands running through Klaus’ hair, pressing himself to any part of Klaus he could. Jesper couldn’t help the small moan that left his lips when Klaus had squeezed at a particularly sensitive part of his waist. They couldn’t get enough of the other. Klaus loved the pure, papery scent of Jesper’s hair, and Jesper loved the permanent smell of pine and wood Klaus always had.</p><p>Eventually, though, they pulled away from the kiss breathless, both staring at each other. </p><p>“Wow.” Jesper said panting, a crooked smile on his lips. Klaus smiled, kissing his forehead. </p><p>“‘Wow’ is one way to put it.” Klaus said.</p><p>“Does this mean…” Jesper started, “You love me too?” He asked. Klaus stayed there for a moment, thinking. After a moment of silence Jesper began to think he ruined things between them. It wasn’t until Klaus spoke up did Jesper think otherwise.</p><p>“I suppose so, but…do give me some time to say it.” Klaus admitted. He did love Jesper, he really did, but he still loved Lydia dearly. </p><p>“Then how about…‘really like’ instead? Like I really like you.” Jesper said with a nervous smile. Klaus smiled.</p><p>“I really like you too, Jesper.” Klaus said. Jesper sighed with a smile, pressing his forehead against Klaus’.</p><p>“Are you feeling any better?” Klaus asked after a while. Jesper pulled away, a smile still on his lips. </p><p>“A little.” He answered, closing his eyes and resting his head against Klaus’ chest. His eyes shot open, however, when he felt Klaus take one of his arms into his hand. He looked up and saw Klaus press a kiss to the bandages. He continued to kiss his arms, starting at his palm and making his way up to his shoulder. Once he reached his left shoulder, he turned to his right arm, taking his hand and doing the same. </p><p>Jesper slid his left hand into Klaus’ hair as he continued to kiss his arm, a content sigh leaving his lips. Despite reaching his right shoulder, Klaus continued up Jesper’s neck, so his cheek, and eventually his lips. </p><p>They parted after a moment, staring at each other’s face.</p><p>“How about now?” Klaus asked, and Jesper couldn’t help the choked cry that left his mouth. Klaus cupped Jesper’s cheeks, giving the smaller man a moment to collect himself. Jesper sniffed before answering, </p><p>“A lot. I feel a lot better.” </p><p>They sat there for what felt like hours, just having a quiet conversation or simply enjoying the other’s presence. </p><p>Jesper hadn’t felt like this in a while. And in all honesty, he wasn’t exactly sure what he was feeling. Was it happiness? Contentment? Pleasure? </p><p>It took him a bit to realize it, but he wasn’t actually <em> feeling </em> something, instead he <em> felt </em>something. </p><p>He felt… </p><p>Loved.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>1. “Du skulle have forladt mig.” - "You should have left me."<br/>2. “Jeg sagde: "Du skulle have forladt mig".” - "I said, 'You should have left me'."<br/>3. “Selvfølgelig. Kunne du ikke fortælle det ved mit navn? Johansen?” - "Of course. Couldn't you tell it by my name? Johansen? "<br/>4. “Fanden!” - "Fuck!"<br/>5. “Undskyld!” - "I'm sorry!"<br/>I want to apologize if this did trigger anyone. It was actually a bit difficult for me to write but I think it was well worth it. I don't know why, but I always seem to write these two in some kind of pain. I can't explain it; writing angst is just my specialty. However, I do feel like some parts aren't as good as others, but I just didn't know how to fix them. Anyways I hope you all did enjoy reading this; I, surprisingly, loved writing this (even if it did take a while to finish).</p></blockquote></div></div>
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